Scammers Are So Much Fun!

I miss the old days of funny spam. Perhaps you do too. I mean the emails where people would claim to be a time traveler seeking revenge on an old girl/boyfriend and looking for red, green, and blue moon crystals.

At one time I had all those emails saved in a manila folder. Unfortunately, over the years that folder got lost. Now all I have are memories of better spam days.

This evening, in my Yahoo spam folder, I came across an email claiming that I was dead and had granted someone power of attorney to receive “part payment of $5.5m USD,” unless I provided certain information.

Yeah, right.

After that, I received ANOTHER email saying that I’d get $7.9 Mn.

One would think that these morons would eventually learn to stop pestering me.

Here are the emails, along with my replies. Hope you enjoy them. Perhaps you’ll come up with ideas of your own to use against scammers…

Email 1 (supposedly from HSBC):

— On Fri, 10/23/09, HSBC BANK PLC LONDON wrote:

From: HSBC BANK PLC LONDON
Subject: NOTIFICATION OF YOUR UNCLAIMED FUND!!!!
To:
Date: Friday, October 23, 2009, 10:22 AM
HSBC BANK PLC LONDON.(REGISTERED NO.1026167).
ADDRESS: 8 CANADA SQUARE LONDON , E14 5HQ ,
UNITED KINGDOM.

Chairman Committee On Foreign Contract And Inheritance fund Payment Notification
FROM:HSBC BANK PLC LONDON.

Attn: Beneficiary,

The U.S.A Government, World Bank And United Nations Organization Official Has approved to pay you part payment of your Contract/Inheritance Fund payment Valued at $5.5m USD in conjunction with British Government and HSBC BANK PLC LONDON.

This International Remittance Department(HSBC BANK PLC LONDON) was set up to discover an outstanding unpaid fund being owned to Governments or Individuals all over the world through Contract Payment, Inheritance and Lottery Winning Prize Awards.

However, decision was made last week. With this development, a woman by name (MRS:JANET WHITE) came to our office with an application stating that you gave her the power of attorney to be the beneficiary of your Outstanding Contract/Inheritance/award funds. She made us to believe that you are dead and that she is your next of kin. We got your email address and decided to send an email through this address hoping to find out if you are dead or alive and also to find out if you at any time gave this woman the power of attorney to represent you.

Please let us know also if you are aware that we are almost ready to transfer part payment of $5.5m USD of your outstanding funds to her nominated bank account stated below:

NAME OF BANK: FIRST NATIONAL BANK
ADDR: 120 SO. 2nd. ST.
BLYTHEVILLE,ARKANSAS 72315 USA
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 482986
ROUTING NUMBER:084107343
Swift code # : WMSBUS66
BENEFICIARY: JANET WHITE

If you are not aware of the above instruction, do respond
to this email immediately by contacting the Chairman of the International Remittance Department (Mr.Douglas Flint)

His contact information are written below:
Name:Mr.Douglas Flint.
Direct Telephone Number:+44-70-45703001
Fax Number:+44-870-9741509
Email:intl_remittance2009@yahoo.com.hk
Email:remittance_office2009@email.dj

For immediate transfer of your funds be informed that you are not allowed to correspond or contact any person or office with respect to this transfer other than this office, you are required to send to him an email with your full following information below:

1) YOUR FULL NAME__________________

2) RESIDENCE ADDRESS, CITY, STATE AND COUNTRY_______________________

3) PERSONAL CELL PHONE, FAX AND MOBILE PHONE

NUMBER_________________________

Yours Sincerely,

Mr. Alex Hungate.

HSBC BANK PLC LONDON.

My reply to the “HSBC” email:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for contacting me regarding this issue. Please accept my apology, however. I must pass on your kind offer of acting as mediary. The amount of funds in question is simply too small to warrant any further consideration on my part.

If you feel the need to discuss this matter in detail, please contact me at my office.

Sincerely,

B. Keaton
4400 Lincoln Ave
Evansville, IN 47714-0651
Tel: (812) 477-8888
Fax: (812) 473-7736

Ok, a bit of explanation is called for here. My name is NOT “B. Keaton,” as in Buster Keaton. The address and telephone numbers shown are real, but again are not mine. Rather, this is the contact information for Dial-A-Prayer in Evansville, Indiana.

I like using Dial-A-Prayer contact info for stuff like this…

About an hour or so later I received a reply. Yes, these bozos will reply to your letters, so have fun!

“HSBC” email reply:

— On Tue, 10/27/09, Hsbc London Payment Department Uk wrote:

From: Hsbc London Payment Department Uk
Subject: Our Ref: HSBC-0XX2/482/08
To: DELETED
Date: Tuesday, October 27, 2009, 1:38 AM

HSBC BANK LONDON . (REGISTERED NO.1026167).
ADDRESS: 8 CANADA SQUARE LONDON , E14 5HQ ,
UNITED KINGDOM.
DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER:+44-70-4-570-3001
FAX NUMBER:+44-870-9741509

Our Ref: HSBC-0XX2/482/08

ATTN:B. KEATON,
RE: YOUR UNCLAIMED FUND

WE RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL.AND WE APPRECIATE YOUR QUICK RESPONSE TO THIS OFFICE AND WE ADVICE YOU KEEP IT UP BECAUSE THIS WILL HELP US ACHIEVE SMOOTH TRANSFER OF YOUR FUNDS TO YOU.IT IS OUR HUMBLE OBLIGATION TO WRITE TO YOU THIS LETTER IN REGARDS TO THE AUTHORIZATION OF YOUR OWED PAYMENT THROUGH OUR MOST RESPECTED FINANCIAL INSTITUTION (HSBC BANK PLC). I MR. DOUGLAS FLINT, THE DIRECTOR, FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT, HSBC BANK PLC, LONDON. THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT, IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE US GOVERNMENT, WORLD BANK, UNITED NATIONS ORGANIZATION ON FOREIGN PAYMENT MATTERS,HAS EMPOWERED MY BANK AFTER MUCH CONSULTATION AND CONSIDERATION,TO HANDLE ALL FOREIGN PAYMENTS AND LOTTERY WINNING PRIZE AWARD RELEASE THEM TO THEIR APPROPRIATE BENEFICIARIES WITH THE HELP OF OUR TWO HSBC BANK OFFICIALS .

A BANK CERTIFIED CASHIERS CHECK OF US$5.5 MILLION WILL BE RAISE IN YOUR NAME THROUGH OUR CORRESPONDING BANK IN AMERICA (BANK OF AMERICA),FOR IMMEDIATE DEPOSITING INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND NO ONE HAS THE JURISDICTION TO REMOVE OR DEDUCT ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY FROM A BANK CERTIFIED CASHIERS CHECK THAT WILL BE RAISE IN YOUR FAVOR FOR PAYMENT.

TWO HSBC BANK OFFICIALS WILL TRAVEL TO MEET WITH YOU IN YOUR STATE WITH A BANK CERTIFIED CASHIERS CHECK OF US$5.5 MILLION THAT AS TO BE RAISE IN YOUR NAME BY BANK OF AMERICA IN ATLANTA GEORGIA AND GO TO YOUR BANK WITH YOU FOR THE DEPOSIT OF THE FUND. WHEN THEY ARRIVE IN YOUR STATE YOU WILL TAKE THEM TO YOUR BANK FOR THE DEPOSIT OF THE BANK CERTIFIED CASHIERS CHECK OF US$5.5 MILLION INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AND THEY WILL BE WITH YOU FOR FIVE (5) BANKING WORKING DAYS FOR THE FUND TO BE CLEARED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT BEFORE COMING BACK TO LONDON .

THIS IS BECAUSE OF THE PROBLEM WE ARE HAVING FOR SOME TIME NOW WHEREBY CUSTOMERS FUND HAS BEEN DIVERTED TO ANOTHER BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE BENEFICIARY.

KINDLY RE-CONFIRM THE REQUESTED INFORMATION STATED BELOW EITHER VIA FAX OR EMAIL TO ENABLE THE DEPOSITING OF YOUR FUNDS INTO YOUR DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT IN USA.

1)COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR DRIVER’S LICENSE FOR THE ENDORSEMENT/ LEGALISATION OF THE BANK LEGAL DOCUMENT AND FOR PROPER IDENTIFICATION WHEN THE OFFICIALS ARRIVE IN YOUR COUNTRY.

2) YOUR PRIVATE PHONE AND MOBILE/ FAX NUMBER:

3) YOUR FULL NAME AND RESIDENTIAL HOME ADDRESS :

FOLLOWING THE RECEIPT OF THE ABOVE INFORMATION EITHER BY EMAIL OR FAX, THE FLIGHT SCHEDULE OF THE TWO HSBC BANK OFFICIALS THAT ARE COMING FOR THE DEPOSIT OF THE FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT WILL BE SEND TO YOU WHICH INCLUDE THEIR TIME OF ARRIVAL AND NAME OF AIRLINE FOR THE PURPOSE OF EASY IDENTIFICATION AT THE AIRPORT WHEN THEY ARRIVE. WE WANT YOU TO SEND THE NAME OF THE AIRPORT WHERE YOU WANT THE BANK OFFICIALS TO ARRIVE, SO THAT YOU CAN MEET WITH THEM AT THE AIRPORT AND TAKE THEM TO YOUR BANK. AND COPY OF THE BANK CERTIFIED CASHIERS CHECK THAT WILL BE RAISE IN YOUR NAME FOR PAYMENT BY OUR CORRESPONDING BANK IN ATLANTA GEORGIA (BANK OF AMERICA) INCLUDING THE INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OF THE TWO BANK OFFICIALS WILL BE SEND TO YOU AS WELL FOR YOUR PERUSAL BEFORE THE OFFICIALS WILL PROCEED TO YOUR STAT E FOR EASY IDENTIFICATION AT THE AIRPORT WHEN THEY ARRIVE.

WE FURTHER ADVICE THAT YOU STOP ALL COMMUNICATIONS OR CORRESPONDENCE OUTSIDE THIS OFFICE REGARDING THIS TRANSFER TO ENABLE SWIFT PROCESSING AND TRANSFER OF YOUR FUNDS. AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THE ABOVE INFORMATION FROM YOU, WE WILL COMMENCE PROCESS OF TRANSFER IMMEDIATELY.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION PLEASE DON’T HESITATE TO GIVE US A CALL ON OUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER STATED ABOVE OR DO SEND US AN E-MAIL.

TREAT AS URGENT.

YOURS SINCERELY,

MR. DOUGLAS FLINT.

DIRECTOR INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT (HSBC BANK PLC, LONDON).

Since I was having such a great time, I replied with the following:

Dear Sir,

As you are no doubt aware, it is very common in this age to encounter persons attempting to gain access to another’s personal information with the willful intent to cause harm to said person’s reputation and/or finances.

Since you are requesting this information via email, instead of more generally accepted means of communication, I ask that you provide verifiable proof of who you are. In this case, acceptable proof is exactly the same information you would have me provide.

Sincerely,

B. Keaton

I have yet to receive a reply…

South African email regarding $7.9 Mn USD:

— On Tue, 10/27/09, FOREIGN PAYMENT PROCESSING OFFICE wrote:

From: FOREIGN PAYMENT PROCESSING OFFICE
Subject: URGENTLY CONFIRM YOUR PAYMENT
To:
Date: Tuesday, October 27, 2009, 12:26 AM
Republic Of South Africa,
Foreign Payments (Contract/Inheritance dept)
African Foreign Dept Servicing Committee
From the desk of: Mr. James Okwe
Director of Payments.

Attn: Beneficiary.

This is to officially notify you that your delayed contract/Lottery/Inheritance payment has finally been approved to be paid to you within the next 48 hours. This instruction came to our office to contact you immediately for the transfer of your approved amount to your designated bank account without any further delay.

This office oversees and approves all foreign payments coming out from Europe, Africa, Asia and sometimes USA. Our job is to make sure that beneficiary’s funds are remitted to them within 48 hours once they have completed the requirements via our approved banks.

Just few hours ago, a man by name Mr. Tim Mallett contacted
our office informing us that you have given him instruction
and authority to receive the approved US$7,900,000.00 (Seven Million Nine Hundred Thousand US Dollars) only on your behalf. According to him, he said that you asked him to represent you in receiving this amount also he forwarded an account where your funds should be transferred to immediately.

Here is the information he forwarded to us for your own
confirmation:
Tim Mallett
G&T Volunteers
370 Lacroix Street
Chatham, Ontario Canada
N7M 2W3
TD Canada Trust
255 King Street at 3rd
Chatham, Ontario Canada N7M 1E6
Account# 0011-6243094
Transit & Branch # 060-00112-004

We want you to confirm to us immediately if you at any time
instructed the above person to receive this amount on your
behalf and if no, you are requested to immediately reconfirm your own details for immediate transfer of the above sum to your account.

Your Full name………………..

Full address………………….

Tel & Fax No…………………..

Bank name…………………….

Address………………………

Tel & Fax No………………..

Routing No…………………..

Account No…………………

Upon receipt of your confirmation, we shall immediately process your payment documents and forward it to our approved paying Bank to carry out your transfer within the next 48 hours after processing. If you sent this man, do reconfirm also to enable us process the payment and carry out transfer to him without any further delay.

We will appreciate your urgent response and confirmation as
this office has been given until two weeks to carry out all
approved payments or return them as unclaimed payment. Note
that the earlier you respond to this message, the better as
all modalities have been put in place for immediate transfer of the above sum to your account

Thanking you for letting us serve you better.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. James Okwe
Director of Foreign Payments
South Africa Foreign Payment Center

Since this was a slightly different email form than before, I decided to change things up a bit. Here’s my reply:

Dear Sir,

Only $7.9Mn? That’s half of what I can win in the Powerball Lottery without giving my personal information. I also do not have to pay state or local tax on Powerball winnings, like I would have to do on the $7.9Mn.

Surely you can do better!

Sincerely,

B. Keaton

I do not expect a reply to this other than the argument that it is still a lot of money, even if I had to pay tax.

So Much To Do

OK, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted anything on anything, so I thought I’d start with an update on the house.

The past month has been relatively productive. During the first and last week of July I was able to schedule some vacation time, or at least some time away from work, to do work on my house. I suppose it wasn’t much of a vacation. After all, most people take vacations to GET AWAY from work. Not me, however. I use vacation time to do things I can’t get done any otherwise. Anyway…

During July I was able to get most of 4 rooms cleaned out — walls and ceilings torn down and dragged out to the 30-yard dumpster sitting in the driveway. I still have some old carpeting to get out, but that’s minor and will be taken care of later. The cabinets, counter, dishwasher and stove/oven have also been removed clearing the way for me to finish wiring the main part of the house (once I finish getting the ceiling down in the kitchen and cleaning up the debris). So much for moving in on July 31st! The way things are going it may be until spring before I’m in completely.

The dumpster? Well, after ripping out the better part of 4 rooms I can say the dumpster is FULL. Looks like I’m going to need another one to finish gutting the place. If only I had a few more weeks of vacation time…

Pizza Hut: No Humor Allowed

Whatever happened to humor? When did we, as a society, lose our sense of it? There once was a time when a stray comment, clean in nature but nonetheless off-beat, would get at least a smile from passersby. I miss those days!

Earlier this week I happened to stop in a Pizza Hut Take Out and ordered some wings and a pizza. I was interested in one of those “Edge” pizzas they’ve been hawking on TV lately, when the woman at the counter asked me which kind I wanted. Of course I asked what they had and finally settled on the pepperoni version, after a discussion of what was on the different types. One of the offerings had a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t have minded (onions, pepperoni, olives) but did have some objectionable toppings (sausage and tomatoes).

I’m sorry, but PH’s sausage is kinda like tofu, except uglier. I don’t like tofu, or things that look like tofu. To put it mildly, tofu SUCKS! I’ve tried several varieties of tofu: mush, not-quite-as-mushy mush, and firm mush. It’s still mush. And the taste? Soy doesn’t have much taste. Why do we expect tofu to have it? Oh yeah, that’s right…it picks up the flavor of everything else. Well, if that’s the case, why not leave the tofu out and eat everything else? Too bad it can’t be used effectively for bio-diesel. It would probably have better taste.

Tomatoes, while an essential ingredient in pizza sauce, cause random difficulties for me. Sometimes I’ll have a reaction that causes me to alternate between sweating and chills for a few hours. Other times I won’t have any reaction at all. So I deal with it and enjoy the pizza. But tomato pieces are totally different. I cannot tolerate them in the least, and will choke if I try to eat any. So I classify tomatoes as EVIL.

But I still eat pizza and pasta.

OK. So here I am, ordering a pizza, when I tell the woman at the counter (as she describes the all-encompassing ultimate edge pizza thingy) that except for the sausage and tomatoes, that variety of pizza would have been perfect. I also make a few comments about evil tomatoes. Somewhere along the line I expected a laugh, or at least a quizzical look from her as she took my order.

NADA. I don’t get it. A person orders a pizza made with pizza sauce from tomatoes and calls tomatoes evil. Further, this same person won’t eat a pizza with tomatoes on it because they’re evil. Don’t you think that would be worth at least a puzzled look? When I make comments like that in other places I at least see a smile.

Maybe it’s some sort of corporate policy forbidding humor in the workplace.

Dumpster Diving

My moving date is rapidly approaching.  While I’m still hoping to extend my lease until September 30, I haven’t received the renewal notice yet, so I’m planning to put in a serious demolition effort this coming week.

Plan A

Initially I had planned on just doing what was necessary to get the wiring up to snuff.  But once I started digging in, I discovered how deteriorated the wiring had become.  Since it was essentially unusable, I proceeded to tear down parts of the walls and ceiling to allow access for running the new lines.  That’s when I discovered there was NO insulation in the house — a very bad thing!

Plan B

Having no insulation would mean excessive heating and cooling along with very high utility bills (gas and electric).  So I really had no choice except to start pulling more of the interior walls down.  This lead other problems and caused some serious delay in my progress.  Imagine tearing out a wall or ripping down a ceiling and having the debris pile up in one of the rooms.  Eventually you’ll get to a point where you have to stop work and clean up the mess before moving forward.  To date I’ve only been using small 55-gallon rectangular containers to haul the debris to the dumpsters located in the apartment complex where I’m currently residing.  But with the lease expiration looming, it’s time to kick into high gear — I’ve ordered a 30-yard dumpster for Monday delivery.

Demolition To Begin

The first of my vacation periods begins next week.  I purposely chose that week because my night job work week spills over into the weekend of July 4th (I know it’s two different weeks by normal calendars, but the night job is anything but normal).  Since I’ll be off work, and with the dumpster on-site, I should be able to get more of the house torn out and discarded than I’ve been able to do in 6 months.  Yes, 6 months is a long time and I had expected to be further along.  But hauling out relatively small amounts of debris at time (to avoid attracting too much attention) has really dragged the process out. 

Of course, as with anything else, the amount of progress I actually make will depend on how long I’m able to work each day.  I have no doubt that at some point each day I’ll just be too sore to move and will have to pack up.  I just hope I’ll be able to get 7 good days of work in for a change.  If so, I should have most everything ripped out, including the old, smelly carpeting.

As with everything else, stay tuned…

Stress? What’s that?

It’s been a few days since my last post, so I decided to take a few moments and jot down what’s on my mind.

…

…

Obviously there really isn’t anything going on upstairs.  Automonic functions seems to be OK, but higher-level activity is pretty much null at this point.  Perhaps that’s because I’m sitting here waiting for a service call (I’m at my night job now) and it’s fairly quiet. 

The problem with working the night shift is that it really messes up any attempt to get on a set schedule.  Just imagine having your work week start on Monday night @ 10 PM.  Add a 30-minute lunch and my “day” ends @ 6:30 AM.  Then it’s back to my apartment for a 1 – 2 hour nap (if I’m lucky) and off to the day job I go.  Now, to make things even more challenging, imagine having to do everything by yourself.  No spouse or “mate” to help do things: shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning are all done by me.  Then there are the activities I’m involved with: meetings every Monday evening (before work) and on the second Tuesday of the month.  It’s just impossible to get anything established that would allow a semblance of normality.

Oh yeah, I forgot the house.  You know the one that I’m completely gutting, rewiring and re-plumbing.  That’s what I do on the weekends.

And people wonder why I always look tired.  In a way I’m glad I don’t have a signficant anything, save the cats.

But what’s with the blogline?  I don’t believe in stress.  At least not the stress that people tend use a blame for their problems or behavior.  Simply put, stress is entirely our own creation.  If people would truly accept responsibility for their actions and the resultant consequences, stress would evaporate.

You are the cause of your own stress.  It is within your power to end it permanently.

People Make Wonderful Gifts

It’s been one of THOSE days.  You know the kind.  Everything was fine when I left my night job and headed back to the apartment.  When I arrived I climbed the stairs and went inside.  The boys were there to greet me, as usual, and demand some attention.  Cats are like that.  Once they were satisfied that I was who I am (they have to smell me EVERY day when I return before I can pet them) they began to ignore me.

That’s typical for cats, too.

So I got undressed and went to stretch out on the bed for a bit before going into the office.  Somewhere between entering the apartment and getting up to go to the office my attitude took a turn for the worse.  Maybe it was caused by Sluggo passing gas (sounded like a small outboard motor — pfft, pfft, pfft) as he was laying on the windowsill.  Maybe it was something else.  All I know is that I went from normal to depressed to pissed in about 30 minutes.  I stayed in that frame of mind until well after arriving at the office.  I didn’t snap out of it until after talking to one of my colleagues, a very attractive, sexy, smart, and kind lady.  I always feel better after speaking with her for even just a few minutes, and it has nothing to do with her “attractiveness.”  She’s just one of those people who can brighten your day.  I’m glad I ran into her at the office today.  Anyway, after I spoke with this wonderful person I was able to make a few calls that I was dreading and voila!  I felt better.

After I returned to my apartment this afternoon, I called her cell number and left a message thanking her.

If you know someone like this, let them know on occasion.  We certainly don’t have enough people like this in the world.

[Just before jotting this down I fired up iTunes on my Macbook Pro.  I LOVE iTunes and my iPod, especially during trips.  I ran down the list of artists -- I wanted to start with Dylan -- and let it run as I did this composition.  Then Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff" came on.  I have a love/hate thing with that song.  Generally it's just awful, but funny at the same time.  A reggae western thing...strikes me funny.  Not tonight though.  So I bypassed it and let Booker T loose.  Much more better.]

Super Orange Juice

Since I discovered the peanuts I like to munch on might also contain cottonseed oil in its contents, I’ve been wondering what else I’m consuming that might just be considered odd. So I snagged a bottle of OJ from the machine this evening and, after drinking the juice, decided to see what gems could be found written on the bottle’s label.

I’m not normally one to drink OJ. Sometimes I’ll get a sore throat a day or so after drinking the juice. This never occurs when eating oranges and does not happen with other citrus juices. Just OJ. Anyway…

Written right on the front of the label, under the proclamation that this is 100% Pure Squeezed Orange Juice, was the following: “From Concentrate with Vitamin C.” How do you squeeze concentrate with vitamin C, no less, to produce 100% pure squeezed OJ? Dumbfounded I began to read the back of the bottle. It’s amazing what you can learn when you read ingredients, especially if you let your mind wander.

“Contains Pure Filtered Water, Premium Concentrated Orange Juice, Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid*). *Ingredient Not Found In Regular Orange Juice”

Well damn! No wonder this stuff costs $1.25/15.2 oz. Not only is the producer filtering already pure water, they’re adding vitamin C to PREMIUM OJ. The label also states to “Shake Well Before Enjoying,” as if enjoying the juice without shaking the hell out of it first is illegal (seems abusive to me). But wait, there’s more!

Moving over to the nutrition disclosure statements, I discover that this bottle contains “about 2″ servings. About? Assuming 2 as the mean, what is the standard deviation? Using a ridiculous number like 6,345,978,882,254,542 someone could claim that 40,000 is “about 2,” right? Further down in the nutrition panel is a listing of fat, sodium potassium and carbohydrate content. There is also one line devoted entirely to protein.

“Protein 2g Not a significant source of protein.”

Wouldn’t it have been more accurate, since the nutrition panel is based on amount per serving, to say “Protein ABOUT 2g” and leave it at that?

Before letting this go, I thought it might be fun to see what the above label snippets would look like in Engrish. Keep in mind that I will not show the producer’s name. The english version is embarrassing enough. [If you don't know what engrish is, visit www.engrish.com.]

“100% pure orange juice from the concentrate where which 1 vitamins C have been attached is squeezed

The orange juice which the pure water which is filtered, was superior and is concentrated, vitamin C ([asukorubin] Acid*) it includes. It is not found with the systematic orange juice.

The concentrate of the orange juice from the United States, Brazil and Costa Rica is included.

The vibration before enjoying.

Cool after the start.”

Oh yes. Much more better.

Poisoned So Good!

I decided to take a short break and stroll over to the lunch room.  There wasn’t much going on, thankfully, because I’d have to stay and help do the crossword, Sudoku, or Cryptoquote.  Still, I was bored and needed SOMETHING to do.  As is usually the case when I get bored, I went over to the gedunk machine.

Gedunk?  Go look it up and stop asking silly questions…

I didn’t quite know what I wanted except to relieve myself from the burden of carrying around so much pocket change.  Glancing over the selection of items, I paused and considered the packet of peanuts staring back at me.

There really is something creepy about a monocle wearing peanut, but I’ll let that pass for now…

So I dropped in the appropriate amount of change, retrieved my prize and walked back to the shop (you can’t stroll and look cool holding a pack of peanuts — it’s just impossible).  After eating the peanuts, which were very tasty, I started reading the package ingredients for some reason.  Here’s what I discovered:

“Peanuts, Peanut and/or Cottonseed Oil, Salt.”

HUH???

Ok, I understand that during cooking peanuts will give off peanut oil.  That part is fine with me and fully expected.  Salt?  Ok, that’s good too.  You can’t have enough salt.  But what in the world is cottonseed oil doing in there?  I’m fairly certain that if God wanted us to eat cotton then he’d not make it taste like fuzz!  So I’m forced to draw the only conclusion possible given the circumstances:

Cottonseed oil is necessary to help the bellybutton shed its lint.

Now please excuse me while I go out in search of some MSG laden popcorn…

I’m really too old for this…

Age is relative, context dependent.  Judging by years I’m not old.  In fact I’m told that I do not look my age.  But when I consider how I FEEL then I am old.  And, as is with most things in life, caused by choice.

I don’t mean to say that choosing anything is making me feel old.  Rather, it is the consequence of the choice, the subsequent actions brought about by that choice, that are making me feel old.  And, just as easily as I made that decision I could make another that would relieve it and the deleterious effects.

Did I mention that I once was sane?

The whole story is way too long and complicated to compile in one session, so let me just make it brief and move on to another topic.  I can fill in the details later.  Just look for something labeled “Cat Toys, Construction, and Stress Relief Exercises” or “House Renovation.”  I honestly don’t know what I’m going to call it, so just poke around until you come across something dealing with the house project.  If you have any suggestions for a title, pass them along.

Last April I decided to buy a house.  After living in apartments for 13 years I thought it would be nice to have my own place again.  It would also cost less in the end.  So, with the help of a very patient realty friend, I identified a few possibles.  After a couple of near misses, I submitted an offer on a 4 bedroom, 2 bath house with attached garage, full basement and walk-up attic.  Once the counteroffers were accepted (I’d give a little, the bank gave a little), settlement was set for mid-June, 30-days after the sales agreement.  I looked forward to getting the house and starting the renovation.

Of course nothing ever works out that easily for me.

Finally, on December 5, 2008, I closed on the house and began working on the house.  It’s already June of 2009 and I’m STILL in an apartment and working on the house over the weekend.  So far about half the house has been rewired and some service restored.  The original “knob and tube” wiring had to be replaced.  It was so deteriorated that the insulating material was falling off.  Inside the original panel there were few wires remaining that had any insulation, the rest so seriously overloaded that they had burned through and melted as if the wires themselves were fuses.  How the house didn’t burn down is beyond me.

The wiring job is taking much longer than I had anticipated.  Each new circuit I run required me to bust out a path in the plaster and lathe to expose the studs and floor joists, drill appropriate holes if none already exist, and working on a ladder.  When is the last time you spent 6 hours standing on a step ladder?  All the work: swinging a small (2 lb.) sledgehammer, drilling access holes, pulling 12/2 and 12/3 romex climbing stairs and ladders, standing/twisting when on the ladder or stairs, and working in an unheated house for hours during the winter have taken its toll.  I’m perpetually sore now and have aggravated my achilles tendon and plantar fascia to a point where it is painful to stand.  Still, I persevere.  Eventually I’ll be able to move in to a house that I’ve pretty much rebuilt.

For the most part I’ve worked alone.  The only assistance I’ve had was when I hired an electrician to install the new service (200 amp, 42 circuit) panel, grounds, and service entrance.  Although I’m more than capable of doing that work, I’m not a licensed electrician.  (I have done many industrial and military installations however.)  So far the 2nd floor bath and rear bedroom have been wired.  The living room needs one outlet box installed in an interior brick wall. (Don’t ask me why the previous occupants put a brick wall in the house — I have no idea.  It doesn’t look too bad though…)  The front bedroom and attic lighting are mostly finished as well.  I ran out of ceiling boxes over the weekend and left the wires hanging, disconnected, for the time being.  I’ll correct that this coming weekend.  Also, the basement is about half finished.  I need to run some GFCI outlets and lights for the back half (separate circuits), but that’s fairly simple work since I won’t need the step ladder to run that wiring.  So far I’ve used up nearly 1000 feet of wire.  Why so much?  Simple: I’m trying to avoid running up the outside walls as much as possible.  Unfortunately I have to run power for the front bedroom, attic, garage, and remaining 2 bedrooms that way, but it’s a common wall with the garage and shouldn’t be disturbed when I eventually replace the siding and windows in a few years.

What remains you ask?  Removing the rest of the plaster and lathe to expose the studs and joists.  Then wiring the dining room, kitchen, outside receptacles, garage (its own 60 amp circuit feeding a sub-panel), attic (another 60 amp circuit and sub-panel), and 2 bedrooms over the garage.  Next in order would be the plumbing work — just like the wiring work, completely redone using PEX.  When I have the wiring and plumbing finished I’ll start insulating the walls and adding the firebreaks.  That’s the real reason for removing all the plaster and lathe.  The house is over 70 years old, probably closer to 100, and has absolutely no insulation or firebreaks anywhere, otherwise I would just slap drywall over the plaster and cover the access holes I’m making for the wiring and plumbing.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot the heat and AC!   As I work on the insulation I’ll also be running new ducts for the heat/AC as well as plumbing for the eventual conversion to baseboard hot-water.  Right now the house has a gas furnace with central AC.  But because I dislike gas so much (it’s costly and really not efficient, although it does burn clean), I’m going to eventually convert to a heat-pump system.  I also plan to use an oil furnace with a summer/winter hookup to provide hot water and heat for the really cold days when the heat pump isn’t sufficient.

When I get a chance I’ll add some pictures.  I have a bunch already.

Enough already!

I’ve been thinking about this for several years and just cannot decide if people don’t realize how stupid they appear (ignorant) or are just plain illiterate.  Grammar and language skills have deteriorated to such a point that it has become PAINFUL to read electronic communications.  Not to be outdone, even subscription media (newspapers, magazines/professional journal) have succumbed to this trend of the masses.  There are some obvious reasons for the decline: a progressively trivialized education system; less than stellar parenting; a desire to share more information in a quicker manner; and just plain laziness.

Parenting

Face it, some people just shouldn’t be allowed to breed — they’re just too STUPID to teach their children better.  Conversely, there are some fairly intelligent people who should not be allowed to breed as well.  Why?  Because they lack the ability to properly socialize their children.  Schooling can only do so much, folks.  The rest is up to you!

Where do I fit in?  If you ask my ex, I’m a/an ________ (fill in the blank) and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children nor should I be permitted to have sex (even if it’s not for procreation).

Education

What in the world are we thinking?  Wake up!  How can anyone graduate and not know how to form more than a basic sentence, use contractions, or even read at an adult level?

Honestly, does anyone think there is something wrong with today’s high-school graduates?  What about college grads or those holding advanced degrees?  Surely they should know better, right?

The next time you read something, whether it is in a newspaper or magazine (on- or offline), email or any other form of communication, take note of the errors.  Count the number of misspelled words you find, missing/misplaced apostrophes, and malformed contractions contained in the piece you are reading.  It is simply appalling!  My favorite is the use of “could of” for the contraction “could’ve.”  How about the use of “then” and “than?”  Something does not “needs replaced” or “needs repaired.”  It may “need to be replaced” or “need to be repaired,” however.  I’m sure you can think of more examples of pidgin if you try.

Pidgin?  You don’t know what that term means?  Look it up!

Thank the educators willing to sacrifice integrity so that nobody’s feelings were injured by being held back.  If a child cannot demonstrate performance, that child should not be advanced.  PERIOD.  There are few better motivators than the desire not to appear stupid or foolish.  It’s the educational equivalent of a nuclear bomb — the survivor will be much more careful and diligent in the future.

This, of course, does not apply to first generation immigrants.  Anyone who makes an effort with ESL has my respect.  If you’re second, or of a subsequent generation, then you have no excuse.  Get with the program.

Education is a sore point with me.  Expect much more ranting in the future, especially when some MORON has the nerve to suggest that more money (higher tax rate) is needed to improve education.  Don’t get me started…

Mobile devices and e-mail

Just knock it off.  The human race survived for thousands of years without instant messaging and cell phones.  Guess what, everyone was happy and business still thrived.  You’re not that damn important!  Get over it!

Laziness

You should be ashamed of yourself.  (What I had intended to write was too offensive, even for me.)

Solution

Just pay more attention to what and how you communicate.  Your effort will be noticed by family, friends, co-workers, and even competitors.  I may even read your email, comments, or blogs.  If you really try hard, I might even buy that book you’re trying to write.